You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
