my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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