best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
