fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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