...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
