Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
