I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
