At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
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