I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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