yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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