At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
