Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
