my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
