I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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