I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
