a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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