We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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