I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
