Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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