I think I won the penis lottery.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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