Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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