I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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