I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
