her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Someone signed my nipple.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
