Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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