dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
