i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
