Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
