you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize