the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
