Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
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