having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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