Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
