Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
