I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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