If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
