you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
