I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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