On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
