I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
