she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
dude. I can hear the air.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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