No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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