so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize