I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
