I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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