We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I checked into jail on foursquare
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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