Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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