u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize