He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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