my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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