i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
