Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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