He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
