i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
