If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
