My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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