My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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