i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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