My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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